I don’t often let myself think about negative things regarding myself or the goings on in my life. I disassociate from whatever it may be and I often am not learning from the experience or at least it feels this way – I mean, I am picking it up the things that I know from somewhere.
But right now it feels like I am floundering. I realize that I have written about this before but often it is the only way I can organize thoughts and calm down. It is funny because these are never particularly organized thoughts.
What I am talking about is my job. I have been having particular challenges at work and I am not sure how to tackle them. I need to work past all of my co-workers egos and find out what I really need from them and more importantly, what they really need from me. I think this is the only way to earn the respect I need from them. I really hope so though because it is really awful feeling helpless when you are supposed to be able to offer guidance. If only my old ASM Erin could see me now. I still hold myself to her standard and I honestly believe that I still will never attain it.
What I hear is that no one really has a problem with me on a personal level but on a work level, they have a lack of confidence in me. Even one newer partner doesn’t feel like I am up to snuff – this is also his first job! I mean fuck what the hell can I do? How can I do what I do better? I need to talk to each one individually and then somehow, in some way, find it in my character to NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. Mind you I’ll probably try to find a way to loathe myself and bring it down to a fucking pity party on Nate.
I’m not feeling better yet I only feel like I am only making it worse.
I can’t lose my job. I don’t want to lose my job. I want to try harder and make this work. But what if it doesn’t. I mean I will have definitely given it my best go of things and what will I have to show for it. SHIT. I am a firm believer that we get what we work for. I am striving for something and I want to hold onto it to show that I have earned this.
Sorry if you were expecting something happier, I guess I am just not feeling that happy. It’s funny, the other day I was thinking about how peaceful I felt and how happy I was with everything. I’ll be alright though, I always am.