I think my fear of rejection knows no bounds. When I feel my most vulnerable is when I decide that I am going to show someone some of my writing. Not the stuff I post here because I think it is fairly easy to talk about oneself. No I am talking about the stuff that I create – the stuff that I pour a little of my heart and soul into.
It’s quite hard for me but it hasn’t always been that way. When I know someone is reading what I write my heart flutters and I get nervous. I can’t stop moving until they’ve finished. I want them to tell me that it’s perfect but I know that they won’t. I take their criticism and make myself better but every little bit stings – probably more than physical pain. It lasts and tears at me until I can do something to make it better.
Like I said, it wasn’t always that way: I used to show my poetry and writing all of the time to high school teachers and college professors. I thrived on their praise – much the same way that I thrive on praise today. I think that it has been too long since I have consistently shown someone my work and now the fear is there.
I need to keep going though. I need to keep writing to get better and I can’t stop. I need to mentally affirm this each day and not dread putting words down – it just means I’m one step closer to someone reading it – just like I’m doing now. This is just one of those exercises to get me to click open my Word document right now and write something.