Don’t make the mistake in thinking that I am writing about you (this line, ironically, is written for somebody specific). I don’t write about these things, other than working them out through fiction, because no one wants to read it. I also don’t want to embarrase those closest to me so I’ve always kept my depression close to me. If you don’t want to feel sad you probably should have already stopped reading. Excuse me I’ve been silently commiserating with Michael Angelakos all morning. It helps to know that someone goes through what you go through though I am a much less extreme case.
I can’t wait to get my medication back it makes all of this easier. It definitely doesn’t make it all go away but it makes these days fewer and more far between.
The best way I can describe my depression are peaks and valleys and though I see a therapist (yeah, we are getting a kind of honesty here that we only get in person with me when I make self depreciating jokes about how I see the crazy doctor) I’ve never had any diagnosis. Don’t worry, I’m not asking. I am fully aware that I may struggle with some mild bi-polar disorder. My high points are really high almost like I am…well, high. Those good moods feel like fucking sunshine and there isn’t a thing that can pierce that veil. The lows are pretty bad though. Today is a low but it isn’t as far as it goes down. I can only identify that because I’m actually saying something. The really lows are the “what’s the point days”.
This may also sound stupid but I like owning this. Not for the attention but because it makes me feel unique. I only picked today to talk about it at all because when I put my pen down to the paper to write today I felt like I needed to get this out first.
I look back at what I’ve written today and I feel crazy.