I’m fairly good at hiding my anxiety.
At one point I truly believed this. I thought that because I was one to keep everything inside that it didn’t show on the surface. For all I know that could have been the case. Though as you hold more and more inside or rather the bigger the things are, can it really be contained?
In reality it leaks from the seams (usually in an eye roll, or a grimace I think no one notices, or just your standard quietness). Lately I know that it has been pouring out of every crevice. I feel it.
I feel it in things (simple errands, etc.) that shouldn’t make one anxious or angry.
Anger is a big issue for me because I don’t know that many people think or know that I am an angry person. Unfortunately that anger comes out in a more comfortable environment and Cindy knows that. We get into arguments about nothing just because I forget how to talk to a human being. It makes me feel crazy. You really feel that something that occurs in one environment (work) should not affect another (home) but the hard truth is that it does. I’m ashamed of it.
It is why I am so excited (like pure joy) to get back on my medication. I am putting a lot of stake in it though I’m only doing that because I know that it works. It’s crazy how it works. You feel like you should be able to control all of these things but you can’t. I run, eat well, drink enough water, get enough sleep (most of the time), and take vitamins. I do all this so that I’m running optimally, so that I’ll be a better person. And sometimes it just isn’t enough. It is a god send that these drugs exist. It strips away all the noise (the crazy stuff, the self doubt, for lack of a better way of saying it (the little devil on your shoulder)) that makes it so hard to feel normal.
I wanted to say this for me and for those out there that just need that same help. I feel crazy knowing that have to take medication to feel normal but being okay with it is the most important part. It took so long for that to resonate. Truth be told I wish I had not waited. I wish I had not been off of them for the past year. I’m not sure that I am accurately remembering this but I am pretty sure that the webcomic Penny Arcade lead me to being okay with it. If this is YOU (whomever you are) reading this and you want to know if it is okay, IT IS.
That is all.